Holidays Are Hard for Divorcing People. How to Help Them Cope.
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…" Charles Dickens was writing about the contrast between London and Paris in the late 18th century during the French Revolution, but it as applicable to divorce during the holidays. Maybe more so.
Understanding the Emotional Landscape
The holidays can be a challenge under ordinary circumstances with the temptations or expectations to live up to that Normal Rockwell, Hallmark movie, Instagram glam that gets pushed out every year. Now layer a divorce into that and hold on to your hats! You’re already gathering with family, some of whom you do not like. Now your in-laws are possibly a warring tribe, and your spouse or ex-spouse may be the Grinch you do not want to see or hear. Your favorite family traditions feel hollow and sad. It was already hard to get the kids at least some of what they wanted for Christmas, and now you have competition from your spouse. And if this is a new development, imagine the awkwardness of being asked where your husband is during your work and social holiday parties. Open bar? Be careful!
Practical Financial Guidance You Can Offer
You cannot protect your client(s) from the stress and every bad decision they may make during this time, but you can do a lot for them. Help them create a realistic holiday budget together. Discuss how to handle gift-giving for the children without competing with each other. Address any tax implications of filing status changes that affect year-end planning. Guide them on managing the joint accounts during the holiday season. Help them understand how holiday expenses fit into temporary support agreements.
Anticipatory Planning
Those Lexus commercials you’re seeing with the snow and the bow? Those got filmed weeks or months ago and those poor actors had to put on wool sweaters and throw snowballs made from man-made snow. But you are watching them now, thinking how impractical it is to give someone a car without any of their input, because the commercial was planned well in advance. The holidays do not come out of nowhere each year, even though it always feels that way to me. Encourage clients to make decisions about holidays early in the divorce process, and early in the year. If your client(s) have kids, ask about their holiday co-parenting schedule during the holidays to determine if it is already in place or if they should reach out to their mediator to get that completed. Be mindful of whether they wish to have the divorce complete before the end of the year or if they are intentionally waiting until next year so they can maintain their Married Filing Jointly tax status to reduce the tax burden of an asset sale that occurred this year.
Reframing and Building New Traditions
As CDFA professionals, clients and colleagues often refer to us as “the money people”. We are also people people, full of empathy and drawn to this work to provide valuable insights to reduce stress, anxiety and conflict for our clients. It is okay to be more than just the money person. Suggest starting new traditions. Did you always go skiing as a family? What about a tropical getaway this year? The kids are going to be with your ex- on Thanksgiving? Have a Friendsgiving instead and make it a potluck. Remind them that "different" doesn't mean "less than". Encourage them to focus on what they can control, namely how they can best respond to the snowballs life is always throwing.
When to Refer Out
I believe it is critical for each of us to have a thorough understanding of the various professional roles that can be helpful to our clients during divorce. If you do not know what a divorce coach does and how it differs from a therapist, or how a consulting attorney can help, I strongly encourage you to reach out to these professionals and exchange information about how you both help support clients through the divorce process and learn the keywords your clients may say to prompt you to offer to make a referral. Try to tune into the signs of emotional stress and remind clients there are professionals who are trained and experienced to help them through exactly what they are struggling with. They may be feeling very alone and isolated and even small tokens of compassion can make a big difference to them.
Wrapping It Up, Pun Intended
Dickens was right about the duality of hard times; they really are the best and the worst all at once. Your clients may not see the 'best' part yet, but you can. You see the financial understanding and freedom they're building, and the new start waiting for them on the other side of the New Year. Until then, help them budget for the holidays, but also budget a little extra patience, a little extra grace, and maybe one more follow-up call than usual. It's the season of giving, after all.